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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Eyeballs stuck on your plate

Sometimes I wish I was Sean Kingston. 

Not because he's a big-time, rock star, raggae rapper who's been incarcerated and homeless (though sometimes I dream about how much more writing I would get done if I was incarcerated and how much material I would have if I was homeless), but because his latest song inspires me to cook the kind of food people could get addicted to. (Food porn, as Mariko would say.)

Is it too much to ask that when I set a plate of food down at the dinner table the heavens open and a choir of angles begin singing the Hallelujah Chorus?  

That's what I asked my kids after they called my baked potato soup nasty.

"You know, like that Sean Kingston song," I told them. "Where he talks about how his eyeballs were stuck on the plate."

For some reason it made perfect metaphorical sense while I was singing it. 

But not as much sense when my kids were rolling around on the floor, doubled over with tears streaming down their faces.  

That's when it hit me that maybe that song is less about food, and plates, and eyeballs, and more about a boy who's ipod is stuck on replay.

An easy mistake though, right? Back me up here, peeps. The song is playing on my playlist right now. I double dog dare you to tell me you don't think it sounds like Sean Kingston's eyeballs are stuck on some girl's plate.

You can see how it would be confusing, right?

But anyways, this post ain't about Sean Kingston's eyeballs, it's about my post traumatic cooking stress syndrome.  

Many of you know that my dream is to become rich and famous with my Dumb and Dumber cooking blog project. So lately I've been practicing by cooking my way through the America's Most Wanted Recipes cookbook, which I picked up from my twin's elementary school book fair. 

SUPPOSEDLY/ALLEGEDLY, it's the best recipes from some of the most popular restaurants in America. 

Last week I made Sante Fe chicken from Applebees.  I followed the recipe exactly word for word, measurement for measurement, ingredient for ingredient, (except I didn't beat the chicken flat with a meat mallet, I beat it with a ceramic jar of pump hand soap.)  

(Which also works well as a paper weight, btw.) 

After all the exactness and correctness, my hub simply said, "It tastes kinda like Chicken Cordon Bleu. Only with less flavor."  

So then I made Rice Pilaf from The Crab Shack. I was not familiar with The Crab Shack or Rice Pilaf, but bottom line, rice pilaf is nothing more than rice (CALROSE, of course) boiled in steamy, buttery, spicey water and combined with sauteed vegetables.  



When I asked my kids what they thought, they said, "It tastes just like . . . rice." And then they drenched it in soy sauce.  

Then I made Salsa from Chili's and I accidentally rubbed jalepeno pepper into my eyeball. YEEEEOOOOUUCH!  Don't try this at home, peeps. Better to have your eyeball stuck on your plate, if you ask me. 

Then I made a pumpkin cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.  Only I had forgotten that my hand mixer is busted (sorry, Rockstar Brother and Skeet).  This meant I had to beat the cream cheese into submission by hand, which would have been worth the 40 hours of elbow grease had I not absentmindedly added twice as much pumpkin puree as needed.  It sat on my counter for four days without so much as tempting anyone to dig in.

Then I made some Broccoli Cheese Soup from T.G.I. Friday. 

"This porridge is too hot!" said my son. 

"This porridge is too cold!" said my other son. 

"This porridge makes me nervous," said my daughter. 

When I asked why, she said, "Because it's white.  In Hawaii, your porridge was always orange." 

"THAT'S IT!" I said ripping off my IKEA apron and wadding it up into a tight little ball. 

"Open wide!" I told my daughter.


The next night I made rice-a-roni.  



And no one said a word. 


35 comments:

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm first!! HA!

And guess what! This post should take you exactly the same amount of time to read as it takes for Sean Kingston to sing about his eyeballs being stuck on that plate.

Coooool perk, eh?

The Wixom Zoo said...

Sounds like a great project! I love to cook and would love your pumkin cream cheese recipe... PUH-LEASE????? 'Cuz I lub ur gutz and you make my gutz lol on a daily basis!
I'm trusting that there aren't any crazies (at least none that are dangerous) on here so I'm giving you my email. *deep breath* wixomzoo@live.com. Thanks!!!!

Anjeny said...

That is a tough crowd you got there Crash. Ask them if they want to switch places with my kids for a while, I'll make them plain chicken everyday for a whole month...LOL. Maybe that's what you should do, cook them the same ole thing for a whole week, no better yet, just send them to bed without any food.

Those rare occasion that I try to make a super duper cool looking meal or try to imitate a restaurant recipe and all that colorful veggies with it, the kids asked me if the meal was meant for looking at and not eating and then another time I did something like that, they asked me what the special occasion was and when I said none, they looked at me like I've completely fallen off the wagon, so the next few nights after that for a whole week, I made some very bland chicken and fed it to them...that totally dried up any speculations they may have about me the next time I want to be creative.

I'll come eat all of your cooking which reminds me, why weren't you cooking like that when you only five minutes away? Why do you have to cross the ocean to go into a cooking maniac? Huh? huh?tsk tsk tsk

Dolly said...

I give you oodles of credit for taking on the cooking monster. Me and cooking monster are still trying to find a way to peacefully live together. I keep trying to leave him behind in my last house but he keeps stowing away in my luggage to fight me at the next house I try to nest in.

I wish you all the best in getting ahead on this game before your three boys really hit their growth spurts. You will be shocked at how much more food they expect to be provided. (And whatever you do, just make sure you are not moving to a new house and they are not converting to homeschooling during that phase.)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Nothing peeves me more than cooking for people who whine and complain about eating what I just slaved over. I go on strike at times like these and then it is FFYSN (fend for your self night) for about a week.

Funny about the eyeball thing.

Becca said...

Totally hearing you. About the food, anyway. The misheard lyrics? Reminds me of Jimi Hendrix "Scuse me while I kiss this guy" - ick.

T said...

haha - you were right - the song finished just as I clicked over to the comment box!

my kids have been complaining about our meals for awhile now. then I found a "sort of" solution! (which I can't blog about because someone might actually READ it)

I do a dinner swap with two other families nearby - Tuesday I fill 3 pans with whatever my meal that night is - and trade my extra pans with the other families so that Wednesday and Thursday are taken care of...

Sounds wonderful - and when the meals are something familiar or edible it's been okay. But last week (and I'm not exaggerating) I heard the typical comments of "I'm not eating THAT" and "what are those red things" mixed in with the newest "did the cat barf in that pan?"... and the thing is... they had a valid question with that one.

they appreciate my efforts a little more with each passing week :)

T said...

oooh, I'm totally stealing NHC's FFYSN... sounds like a good solution to the fact that I also don't want to cook on Fridays...

val of the south said...

I'm pretty sure there's something in the water here that makes you need to cook - before we moved here the only cooking I did was to fancy up Costco or Sam's Club food. And here I actually cook...from scratch...new things...that are met with the same derision as yours! Sucks doesn't it?

I LOVE the eyeball/plate thing...seriously makes more sense than the whole IPOD thing :)

val of the south said...

ps - my boys love it when we have FFYSN - then they know I won't try to make them eat something weird!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, Wixom, since you're so brave I will email you the recipe. But remember, don't add more than 15 oz of pumpkin puree.

Anjeny, I lub your idea. I used to cook just bland ole' chicken in Hawaii too. I don't know what is happening to me. I think Val is right about the water. Seriously, there is some kinda voodoo going on over here. Or maybe I've just become a desperate housewife.

Ha ha Dolly! I am gearing up for their growth spurts. I hope I get a system down before then. And don't worry, I will never convert to home schooling.

NHC--I've done that FFYSN A LOT! SERIOUSLY. You'd think it would make my kids actually FFTS with how much I do it. But they just eat cereal. And they like it.

Hey, who's Becca. She's a cutie patootie.

I like T's solution. Very much. But I'm afeared my meals would be the ones the neighbor kids were calling nasty and then I'd get a bad reputation. And you don't want a bad reputation in Utah.

Val, I totally hear you, girlfriend. The same thing has happened to me. In fact, I don't even shop at Costco anymore. It truly is a mad world.

The Garden of Egan said...

Poor crash......your life is so awful and your job so thankless! I suggest that you start opening a box of mac and cheese for the rest of the year. They will hate that after the first week, then they'll come begging to you to cook for them again!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee hee Garden. FINALLY someone understands my plight.

DeNae said...

I cooked for the missionaries last week. Slaved. And when they showed up, the one said he was "allergic" to mushrooms, which of course was all freaking OVER my dinner. So I made him a separate dinner. Which he turned his nose up to, also. He did eat the cookies. As in, ate ALL the cookies. WE each got one, he got "the batch minus five".

Then he spun so much BS during the meal (He once stopped a shooting at his school, he can shoot 8 arrows through the same apple, he bungee jumped off a bridge while on a 4-wheeler - you get the picture) I started to suspect he wasn't allergic to mushrooms AT ALL!!

Sorry, boys. Next time I'm having a pizza delivered to your door.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hahahahah DeNae, I can't wait for your book to come up. Seriously!!!!

IWA (e - va) said...

You made me LOL today! ... Eyeballs stuck on your plate? LOL! i already knew the song, so at first when you were explaining, i was soooo lost!

Yes, I agree simple mistake.. ipod.. eyeball.... any fob from hawaii would have said the same thing! LOL! .. Im still LOL! ahhh... I needed that laugh thanks!

Im gonna send you a local cook book, so you can get some love!

Jami said...

I feel your pain. They are only all happy if I feed them popcorn and mac and cheese. Chicken nuggets never go wrong either. Really takes the joy out of cooking (sorry, Julia, it's true) to have children faking death-by-gagging over dinner.

MaeRae said...

As usual, Crash, you're amazing post made me chuckle until the song ended. Rice-A-Roni is something I refused to cook because as a kid growing up it was yellow with chicken and brown with steak twice a week (that's four times) and then one day in desperation I cooked it for my kids and no complaints at all. What is with kids these days? tee hee.

lori said...

All I can hear is my eyeballs stuck on my plate...I think that's what he's saying. Thanks for the laugh!

ohh, wv says untea, is that like some kind of new tea that isn't, did you invent it?

lori said...

PS, rolling pins work for flatting chicken too, maybe the soapy taste is what the kids didn't like :)

April said...

Not a fan of cooking...I let the hubby do it. And I have eaten an eyeball off my plate before....a fish eyeball. My boys dared me to!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee, Iwa, I love it when you LOL. I think I love it so much because I've actually heard you LOL so many times in real life that I can just picture it. I knew you'd appreciate my confusion.

Jami, Amen sistah! I totally can't wait to get the sushi maker thingie from you. Every time I ask my kids what they want to eat they say MUSUBI! And we ran out of seaweed weeks ago. My daughter eats it like candy. As a snack. I know, ewww!

Mae Rae, LOL. Does my yellow rice-a-roni look familiar? It was chicken, yep. Ain't it a killer how easy, yet hard it is to please our kids!

Lori, OMGosh! I can't believe I didn't think of the rolling pin thing. You are brilliant. So I looked for mine and it's gone. I think I left it in St. George when I made the pies. Untea. YES! I invented that. It's Mormon tea. I mean, it's Mormonic tea. No, it's oxymormonic tea.

Oh, dear. It's late and I'm punchy.

April ewwww! I can't believe you ate fish eyeball off of your plate. You could have written this song. I can tell you live with all boys. I practically live with all boys too so I'm sure one day I'll be eating fish eyeballs too.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee, Iwa, I love it when you LOL. I think I love it so much because I've actually heard you LOL so many times in real life that I can just picture it. I knew you'd appreciate my confusion.

Jami, Amen sistah! I totally can't wait to get the sushi maker thingie from you. Every time I ask my kids what they want to eat they say MUSUBI! And we ran out of seaweed weeks ago. My daughter eats it like candy. As a snack. I know, ewww!

Mae Rae, LOL. Does my yellow rice-a-roni look familiar? It was chicken, yep. Ain't it a killer how easy, yet hard it is to please our kids!

Lori, OMGosh! I can't believe I didn't think of the rolling pin thing. You are brilliant. So I looked for mine and it's gone. I think I left it in St. George when I made the pies. Untea. YES! I invented that. It's Mormon tea. I mean, it's Mormonic tea. No, it's oxymormonic tea.

Oh, dear. It's late and I'm punchy.

April ewwww! I can't believe you ate fish eyeball off of your plate. You could have written this song. I can tell you live with all boys. I practically live with all boys too so I'm sure one day I'll be eating fish eyeballs too.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

oooops

Martha said...

Sorry haven't had much time today to hang out here. Still putting the house back together, plus tennis practice, plus plus helping lots of helpless students figure out their classes, plus plus plus Kohls has free shipping and 30% off so I gotta find something good.

We had hot dogs for dinner. No one complained. None left for Adam so he did complain and went to McDonalds. Then I made a german chocolate cake w/ coconut pecan icing which is my ultimate favorite for a party tomorrow at work.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Martha, I'm totally awake right now. I was on Facebook. Can you believe it? Me? I've decided I like Facebook now. Go figure. I was sending Dolly a message. I told her to give you a huge hug when she comes back tomorrow. Hot dogs! Why didn't I think of that? I used to think of that all the time in Hawaii. Now I can't think straight. So how is the house now that it's all put back together? Have you painted the walls? I must see pics.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

P.S. I live 3 minutes from Kohls so I think of you often.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

P.S. I live 3 minutes from Kohls so I think of you often.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

oops again. I'm trigger happy and wired tonight.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

oops again. I'm trigger happy and wired tonight.

P.S. Martha, I just noticed on Facebook that it's Swirl's birthday on Friday. (the 13th) You better make another German Chocolate Cake.

Mariko said...

I think you're on to something. Make a blog about your cooking failure escapades (masquerades?) and you will make a million dollars. At least.

Girl, if you're going to be making cheesecakes, and anything else that requires sugar and butter beaten into submission, you need a kitchenaid. Stat. Yes, it's worth $300.

We must be on the same wavelength. I made corn chowder tonight with sweet potatoes (so it's practically a potato soup) and Jake walked in and said, "Our house smells very American".
Mmmmm. Why does that not sound like a compliment? HUH?

I'm bad attitude because our kids are not doing any homework during furlough friday weekends. So they don't do homework at all. AND, they voted for the teachers to keep the waiver days so they could have more days off. And because they are writing the worst history day papers EVER.
*insert pirate sounds here*

Mariko said...

Oh, and I burned my skin on jalapenos last week too. In fact, my skin was still burning the next day! I made Jake take out my contacts, because I learned my lesson about touching my eyes with jalapeno hands before. (ok, let's say I learned it at least 5 times. I also learned not to touch my eyeballs with white pepper hands at least 5 times. Or poblanos from NYC supermarkets hands (because their poblanos are 50 gazillion times hotter than regular poblanos).)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness, I'm still totally awake writing my next post and I am lol-ing and air high fiving you. But I hate to admit I've never heard of a poblano. I'm just thrilled that we are actually sharing cooking stories. I feel so "in-the-club"

And I can't believe they'd let the students vote on whether or not they want to go to school or not. UHHHHH? Seems like a no brainer.

My sympathies all the way around.

Martha said...

Ok, I'm reading your comments three days later. So you did know it was Swirl's birthday.

I'm with Mariko you gotta get a kitchenaide mixer, especially since your hand mixer broke. They are awesome and can mix anything and everything.

And right now with Kohl's 30% off code I could get you one way cheap.

Our house is looking pretty good. Except now I have to touch up paint all three bathrooms and the kitchen because the cabinets are not the same size as the old ones.

It's pouring outside my office window, but we are suppossed to have our tennis party tonight.

Heidi Ashworth said...

See, this is why I don't cook. The degree that my kids will hate what I cook is in exact correspondance with the number of dishes I dirty in the process. It's a sad sad sad state of affairs. (WV: Natch Couldn't have said it better myself).