My hub went off to the first day of his new job today and my kids went off to school so I am now officially a SAHM, (that's stay-at-home-mom, for the acronym impaired) which, if you're dyslexic, means I'm a SHAM.
Either way, I have goals. On the side. My first priority, of course, is to be the family transition manager, but when no one is looking I'm going to follow my grail, which means I'm going to be a writer.
That's right, I said it!!! I'M GOING TO BE A WRITER! I've wanted to be a writer since I was nine years old.
I never wanted to be a teacher. I only did it because they asked me too and I didn't want to be rude.
But I'm not going to teach anymore, I'm going to do!
Unless I can be both a teacher and a writer. Perhaps instead of being a teacher that writes, I can be a writer that teaches.
Are you guys ready for your first life lesson?
LIFE LESSON #1: How to teach your daughter-in-law patience.
Step 1: Take your son, your DIL and their children to The Golden Corral for lunch. Make sure you treat because you will need a captive audience for the entire 98 minutes or so it will take to teach this lesson.
Step 2: Eat very very slowly and whatever you do, don't even think about starting dessert until everyone at the table has stuffed themselves silly and are anxious to roll out the door.
Step 3: While you're eating slowly, say things like "We have all the time in the world!" If you feel even the slightest resistance from your DIL or her children put on your best drug dealer face and repeat "Are you sure you don't want more stuff?" over and over. Follow up by saying "I can get you more stuff. Good stuff. Free stuff. And plenty of it."
Step 4: When you see everyone's eyes roll into the back of their heads grab your plate and announce that you're ready for dessert. But wait! Don't go yet. First tell everyone a story about bread pudding. Don't be afraid to make some noise while you're at it--preferably What-About-Bob noise--to illustrate how much you LUB bread pudding.
Step 5: Secure your dessert and return to the table. Make sure there is plenty on your plate--German chocolate cake, peanut butter drops, raisin cookies, swirly ice cream, gum drops, the works--enough to last at least 30 minutes if you savor it.
Step 6: Savor it. Each and every bite. And take lots of breaks in between bites. The kind of breaks where you put your fork down and talk story. Tell the story about the missionary who went to Samoa and witnessed all those miracles, only pronounce it maracles. (Don't lose sight of the big picture here, your objective is to teach your DIL patience.)
Step 7: Make sure you eat everything on your dessert plate, except one teensy tiny bite of German chocolate cake. Gently, but firmly put your fork down once again, and heed not the fact that your grandchildren are racing plates across the table and mouthing the words "I have HOMEWORK" behind your back. This would be a great time to share some family history so your grandchildren feel the importance of being duct taped to you for eternity.
Step 8: After you eat your final bite, your DIL will rise to leave, but don't let her dictate the agenda. Remember this is YOUR lunch date. Stay seated for at least 5 minutes more and pretend you just thought of an important question about your son's high school gym teacher. By this time your DIL will be rocking back and forth on her heels. Ask her politely if she has to go to the bathroom.
Step 9: As soon as you rise to leave your DIL will begin to take baby steps towards the front door. If SHE is taking baby steps, YOU take premie baby steps--anything to make her look like she's rushing you.
Step 10: When you exit the building your son will be beside you because you taught him patience a long time ago, but your daughter-in-law and her children will be waiting for you outside the front door. You may now begin your first round of goodbye hugs and kisses, taking careful note of who doesn't thank you properly for lunch. However, before anyone has a chance to depart, quickly begin another conversation. "Oh, do you remember so-and-so?" you could say. "I met him in Albertson's the other day and he really talked my ear off." Don't be afraid to recap all the things so-and-so said to you. By this time you should be ready for round two of hugs and kisses.
Step 11: Just as it looks like your daughter-in-law is turning to leave, announce that you have brought them some bean soup you made from the left over reunion ham 5 weeks ago. If your DIL hesitates say, "are you in a rush, honey?" If she snaps back, "NO, I'm just BORED! And beans give me gas!" you know for certain that you still have a lot to teach her about patience.
(But if it's any consolation, you now have one more thing to complain about behind her back.)