One of my life dreams, since I was a little rascal, is to teach the world to sing. In perfect harmony.
But then we got Rock Band and a Ukulele for Christmas and it hit me that I'm tone deaf.
I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in.
Do any of you know how painful it is to have a desperate desire but not the desperate means?
I guess I'll have to settle for teaching the world to write.
Pencils ready, everyone?
Okay, just horsing around--pulling your leg. I've never wanted to teach the world to sing.
But I do have fond memories of singing that song when I did the March of Dimes Walk-a-thon in third grade. It's a hap hap happy song. And I'm in a hap hap happy mood.
In fact, I've FINALLY caught the Christmas spirit and it's hungry like a wolf.
I NEED to FEED it. I was thinking of making you listen to It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year again, but I know Funny Farmer would've hauled off and smacked me upside the head.
I think this whole Christmas season was just such a blur of nudity and gluttony and game shows that I didn't have time to stop and think about the real reason for the season. But now I can't STOP thinking about it.
With all this brain bending I've figured out what the world needs now.
Love sweet love.
Or as Tamn would say, lurve sweet lurve.
The reasons I'm feeling so much lurve are three pronged: 1.) American Idol is starting soon 2.) I'm no longer internet impaired. 3.) I super glued the commandment I broke back together again.
Number 3 was a ginormous morale booster. I'm almost giddy over it.
But in order for you to understand I need to share with you my philosophy on marriage, which I've shared before on my sister site:
I think God was drunk when he thought of marriage. Not a blasphemous insult if you think about it. God HAD to be drunk to cope with what he was about to do to women. For their own good, of course. And to M.E.N. too. But mostly to women (in the Middle East and in China and in Africa and in . . . you get the drift).
The thing about marriage is it's hard as helk. It's like holding a mirror up that shows you all your flaws and weaknesses and shortcomings--things you can't accept and things you can't forgive and things you can't seem to get past, like your own issues and ideals.
It's tough stuff, marriage, and rightfully so because it is after all the supersonic highway through the refiners fire.
Let me borrow a phrase from Hamlet to illustrate:
Thou turn'st mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots.
And there I see such black and grained spots.
But how else can we learn? If we don't see the black spots, we can't baptize them by soft scrub?
So I'm thinking God must have been drunk when he thought up in-laws too because they seem to serve the same purpose.
Come to think of it don't all relationships serve the same purpose? To hold up a mirror and present us with the opportunity to learn something or fix something or throw something.
For the past 20 years, which is how long I've been married, I've been presented with 42 intense days a year to learn something, fix something or throw something.
I usually opted to throw something, but every year I learn something too.
So do you want to know what I learned this year. (Once again I'll let Hamlet take the words right out of my mouth):
What should such dummies as I do crawling between earth and heaven?
(Names have been changed, btw).
I like the way Hamlet says it because if I said it myself it would come out something like, I'm a selfish, petty tongue wagger. I'm a slobbity bobbity oinkeroo, as in in this little piggy had roast beef. I'm a ill mannered grumpity grump grump. I'm an attitudinally challenged frumpity frump frump.
I realized these things on my own and believe me, it wasn't pleasant. My husband and I hit the water for some water therapy, since it worked for our marriage, and we sang We Shall Overcome ten times out of tune, and then I repeated the phrase I MUST, I MUST, I MUST increase my TRUST, (in God, and in my own ability to transcend myself.) He kept trying to get me to plug in a couple of other rhymes, but I said, "One issue at a time, sweetie pie!"
I called to the universe:"I am MORE than a frumpity frump frump, grumpity grump grump!"
And the universe called back: "Are. You. Sure?"
Long conversation with the universe short, I. was. sure!
But just to make extra sure, I got some sleep and I stopped inhaling whipped cream from a can and started inhaling V-8 from a can. Then I started doing yoga instead of doing toga. And now I have this sneaking suspicion that I really AM more than a frumpity frump frump. (Although I'm still a bit of a grumpity grump grump.)
Do you have any idea what a burden was lifted when I released all the intoxicating toxic toxins?
Bad vibes are bad, people. That's why they call them bad vibes. I know that now. FINALLY!
Today I felt so light hearted that I actually commiserated with my MIL and I baked Salmon for lunch and didn't snack between meals.
I see now that there are actually many useful lessons to be learned from our elders, like selective hearing and guilt free eating. Just say, "I shouldn't be eating this" and poof, your guilt disappears. I think the calories disappear too.
Isn't it lurvely?
And now I'm just itchin' to share the lurve.
So this week is officially Share the Lurve Sweet Lurve week.
Merry Christmas everyone!