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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

DNA SWAP

Okay . . . Awkward.

I'm suddenly getting a gazillion hits from Mormon Mommy blogs but no one's voting for me so I'm guessing all those crazy Mormon mommies are either out there in the blogashpere going Hmmmmmmmm, or that last post was lame-o.

Not even my BBFF or my daughter's hoity toity English teacher have anything to say about Jackie Robinson prayers to the universe.

Soooooooo, mayyyyyybeeeeeee I better pull some favorites out of the archives for the sidebar to prove I have a sense of humor.

ANYWHO . . . Speaking of my twelve year old son, he did two things this weekend that shocked our socks off.

First he decorated the entire Christmas tree by himself, wrapped lights around the banister and put up the village. We were at my daughter's varsity soccer game watching her spark into a thousand tiny fireworks on the field while he was home secretly hauling out the holly and decking the halls.

Here is the evidence:


How cute is that? I haven't changed a thing (except I did straighten it because it was tilted. Oh, and I refastened all the organaments that kept sliding off . And I did shift a few ornaments from the back to the big hole in the front. But other than that, it's exactly the same.)

Next, he talked about sex at the dinner table. I almost choked on a corn chip.

It all started while we were talking about how sometimes kids who are adopted look like their adopted parents. My daughter suggested that it was because they live with each other for so long. I concurred and added that married couples begin looking alike too. "Probably because they take on each other's mannerisms," I said.

Then my son (remember him from this post) who never appears to be paying attention, pipes right up and says, "It's because they swap DNA."

I was like, "DNA Swap? That would make a great reality show."

"It's true," he said. "It's called crossover." Then he starts dropping words like my-oh-sis.

"Your what sis?"

(He just looked over my shoulder whilst I was writing this and told me I spelled it wrong. It's meiosis, DUH! I totally KNEW that, thanks, son!)

So I'm like, "You're telling ME that husbands and wives swap DNA and then morph into each other???"

Then he spewed forth some foreign words like sperm and testicals, thereby causing me to almost choke on a corn chip.

Then he said the "S" word--saliva-- and said kissing apparently facilitates crossover.

Then he said the other "S" word and my ten year old twins were like "EEEEEwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my daughter was like, "That's uber pooey"

My husband, who majored in biology, confirmed it all as I was scraping my chin off the floor.

Then I excused myself from the table and raced to the computer to tell all of you to choose ye this day whom you will kiss! And choose wisely because you'll end up morphing into him/her.

(Maybe there's actually a scientific explanation for turning a frog into a prince.)

But then, get this; later, at a holiday party, my know-it-all son was seated next to me when I referred to the age and sex of someone. He had the nerve to say, "Geez mom, do you have to use that word? You could have said gender."

"You just used that word at the dinner table!" I exclaimed.

"No," he calmy corrected me, "I said sex cells. There's no other words for sex cells. I can't say gender cells."

Sigh!

I didn't have the nerve to tell him there is another word for sex cells and it's sex sells. He'll find out soon enough.

To top it all off, my son spent the entire drive home calculating how much it will cost to send he and his 3 siblings on a mission, to college and into the wonderful world of marital morphing, where sex does sell. (I mean cell).

Needless to say I had to take a few puffs on my inhaler when we got home.

57 comments:

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Hahahahahahaha....love it!! That's about as bad as when my 11 year old said to my husband, "since you and mom aren't going to have any more kids, does that mean you aren't having sex anymore?" EXCUUUUSE ME?

Your son is obviously brilliant, even if he doesn't have any tact at the dinner table.

I didn't even know there was a vote going on! I'm so behind. So, I voted for you.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh, and by the way, I wish I had half the talent you do so I could have written a post about the question my daughter posed to my gimpy husband and had it be as funny as yours. You are FREAKIN' hilarious! ( I emphasize freakin' because you have to be a bit of a freak to think the way you do, you funny girl!).

tara @ kidz said...

Stopping through by way of mormonmommyblogs. Congrats on being nominated - you definitely deserve it! This blog is hysterical. I especially love the family slideshow. ;O)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Thanks Alyson, being called a freak by you made me feel better. You do have a special way with words that warms my heart.

I didn't want to mention the voting to you guys so I could see if new people like me. But since they don't seem to, except Tara & Kids . . . (THANKS Tara & Kids)

That's hilarious what your daughter said to you. I hope it's true, that you're abstaining and all.

Once we got a suggestive looking wedding invitation in the mail and one of my twins said "EWW, are they going to have sex?" hee hee I tried to stammer out of it, but he kept pressing.

He said "Did you and dad do that when you got married?"

"Do you still do that?'

"Do you do that very much? How much do you do that?"

hahahahahahah

I was laughing for days.

Anyway, LY Alyson. And Welcome Tara. Your kids are welcome too.)

Stephen said...

Imagine all of the DNA swap we had with snakes, rats, and dogs growing up. Stephen

Kristina P. said...

OK, don't hate me, but I didn't vote for anyone, because there are 3 blogs that I read regularly and I couldn't vote for just one! Ack!

Funny Farmer said...

Whoa whoa whoa! Stop the Sex Train for just one blasted minute here.

You can swap DNA through saliva?!?!?

I don't believe it.

And I am never french kissing again.

Ew.

"sneci" rhymes with necky. No necky necky in this house no mo!

I am LoW said...

Ohmyheavens, that was SO funny!!!

word verification- fuggene- the other word for sex cells :-D

Funny Farmer said...

Oh, and Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! on your boy quizzing you on your personal sex practices. Gosh darn you are raising some bold boys, arntcha?

I remember at that age being pretty sure that my parents had had sex a grand total of six times and the last time was my age minus 1 year. But I knew better than to ask my mother about it!!!!

(Dude. I hope my dad doesn't embarrass the snot out of me with his comment. Please dad... be kind?)

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Oh my gosh...I haven't laughed in days. I would have DIED if that was Connor saying all that!!!!

I totally voted for you girl ;)

Youngblood4ever said...

I about choked on my chocolate Hershey's Bar (btw- it was delicious). He's totally hilarious, but...I am glad it was you and not me. We have already come close to that talk with my 7 year old. YIKES! I have been trying to Dr. Phil-it when she and I discuss such matters and only tell her what is appropriate for her age. How am I honestly supposed to know what is appropriate for her age? By the way- I've been MIA again, I am going to go back and read your last post and then comment on it. Sorry!

April said...

hahahahahaha!!!! did you get that corn chip coughed up? Well, he could have done what my siblings did to my mom in the grocery store and asked what sexual intercourse was.....oh wait, I mean yelled in from one end of the aisle to the other, and my sister yelled back the answer!!!
wv= doushili....I will not give the definition to that!

Melanie J said...

My son told me where babies come from when he was six years old. My sister and I nearly killed ourselves laughing even though he got it exactly right. Then my sister said, "That's how they're made. Where do they come from?" And he said, "Well, I'll tell you, but you're not going to like. You have to push them out of DOWN THERE." I'll have to thank his dad for buying him whatever illustrated book made my life easier.

Mariko said...

Wait, so you need me to say you're awesome every day?
I know, I know. I slacked on my blogging duties and, GASP, read some papers. Man, and they were so boring I actually fell asleep reading them. Not your daughter's, of course, but some of the other ones. I didn't even get to READ your J.R. post yet because I was having a "discussion" with my husband after I woke up from grading my papers. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, and whoever wrote the anon comment on my political post, I'm very sorry if I offended you. Please don't hate me for my politics, hate me because I'm obnoxious. 'k? And if you actually live close to me and know me, try not to give me dirty looks.

T said...

It took a minute, but I've finally recovered from my fit of hysteria. I'm trying to imagine my son using ANY of those words - crud, I'm trying to imagine my hubby using them and I can't... "uber-pooey" though, THAT might be said around here :)

I guess I'm off to find the voting booth!

OldBoatGuy said...

All right! That post was so much fun! Like I've said before, I'm so late coming here, all the big words have been used.

Who's this Funny Farmer that is afraid of her dad? Hee Hee!!!

skingel.......is that some kinf of skin lube? Har Har

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

he he he he he. ftr I totally voted for you. do you know if you can vote every day?
I especially like the sex sells. Love pun. Your so punny.

Come on all you mormon mommy bloggers join the CTD revolution

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Sounds like we're both raising very similar, sexually bold (in speech only, of course) children.

Do you have to ask? Of course we abstain? What's the point of sex without a baby as the end product?!

Oh, just read what you said at Barbaloot's and I knew someone wasn't being nice about the contest, but I didn't realize it was that bad! That's horrible.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I voted for you DAYS ago. This post, other than being a hoot and a holler, reminded me of the time my daughter expressed her horror that her father and I had EVER had sex, did I mention? --ever! I had had so many talks with her about how and why it was wrong at such a tender age (hey, when some girl tries to kiss my girl in the bathroom-age 5--it's time to pull out the ol' sex lecture)that I didn't realize what a thorough job of it I was doing. Not sure how she thought I had given birth without indulging--she doesn't sound too smart in this story, however, your boy sounds plenty brilliant. Which reminds me of the time my developmentally delayed son (age 12 at the time) went to see a James Bond film with her dad and uncle. Afterwards, Uncle tried to express concern about all the sexual exploits in the film and I said, pshaw! not to worry, it all goes over his head. Whereupon, Uncle informed me that my son turned to him in the middle of the movie and barked, "They sure make a lot of babies in this movie!" My son sounds plenty brilliant, too, for a developmentally delayed kind of guy.

Anjeny said...

That was way too funny. I laughed so hard my family is looking at me like I've lost my marbles.

Anjeny said...

Oh btw, I wasn't aware there was a vote going on..I'll go check it out.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Aloha everyone,

I'm lol-ing over all the silly sex talk in my comment box. Can you believe how nasty the verifier is tonight? Don't even tell me that my verifier doesn't eavesdrop and then try to communicate with us subliminally.

Stephen, NOOOOO! I never swapped a single spit with any of our snakes or rats. (What snakes and rats?) But perhaps that explains some of our siblings beady eyes.

Kristina, I could never hate you.

Lisa, you still french kiss? Ewwww! And I didn't believe it either about the saliva swapping until my husband verified. Not sure why he didn't tell me that years ago. (Like 25) I'm so glad your dad didn't embarrass us all in here. THANK YOU old boat guy. We like you boring. I don't think we could handle you exciting. I'm still working on your dream interpretation, btw.

And I seriously laugh every time you use that line about big words. It's just as funny the second time. I'm not being sarcastic. I love that line for some reason.

Hi Emily and Youngblood. I've missed you guys, but I know holiday season is sucking the life out of everyone. And yes, how do you know what's age appropriate? Good question. When I tried to tell my daughter about "girl stuff" the first time, she was 12 and she put her hands over her ears and told me to PLEASE GO AWAY!

Don't you guys love April's profile pic? It looks so approachable, like you could yell questions about sex to her down the grocery store aisle. That story is hilarious!!! I have a story like that, but I'm too tired to tell it properly. Let's just say my grandpa and a bunch of construction workers were involved and if you've ever seen that cartoon where they get yanked off stage by a gigantic hook. Yea, that happened to me, sound effects and all. I totally deserved it now that I know what the word means.

Melanie, that's hee haw funny. But I still can't picture you with kids older than 2. You're too glam. An childish. (I mean childlike) ;)

Mariko--YES. And I can't believe you fell asleep reading your student's papers. I would never do that. And what political post are you talking about? I thought your last post was about your bra size. Are you accusing one of my readers of comment hit and run?

T, I really like you. I think I put you on my sidebar today. Did I? I hope so. I meant to. Remind me to if I don't. I think all the clorox is killing brain cells. You know my in-laws come in 42 hours.

Alyson, I'm so glad to hear someone else besides me abstains. I really don't see the point in DNA swapping either. Although I would like to morph my husband's eye lashes.

Heidi, your children both sound smart, but prudish. You should expose them to more porn. (j/k Mormon Mommies. Today is opposite day.)

Lisa, are you getting tired yet? Cause I am. You know this is my 2nd post today.

And finally, PAT, my souljah sistah. Thank you for trying to start a CTD revolution. You are so cute. Honestly you are one of my favorite nutty hamster chicks.

You know what's weird is I wasn't going to mention the poll at MMblogs because I wanted to see if new people like me and I didn't want to be accused of cheating. But then I was totally getting smeared so I folded. New people don't like me. ;( Which is okay because my oldies are goodies. LOVE YOU OLDIES!

I actually just think it's sooooo awesome to be in the top five running. That spotlight is so bright. And women doing good or better or best is a worthy thing to be doing so I'm happy a righteous blog is blowing me away because I know I can be a bit subversive, especially in my prayers to Jackie Robinson.

Thanks LISA for nominating me and LO for seconding it.

Good night everybody!

Mariko, I hope you didn't fall asleep reading this 2nd post. Oh, and you forgot to tell me I'm awesome today!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Anjeny I didn't see you there. HI! I've missed you. I hate that you're more addicted to vampires now than you are to blogging. hee hee

Oh, when Anjeny votes she gets out her pom poms. This girl means business when she likes you. Her allegiance is SOLID. You guys should try to get her on your good side.

SWIRL said...

did I miss something - what? mommy blog awards??? I;m headed over right now... I'm not one to be out done by Anjeny!

Funny Farmer said...

No, I'm not getting tired. I could talk about sex all day!

And what's the deal with some boring service blog getting more votes than all the clever blogs combined? Sheesh. Some people would rather tie quilts than laugh until their sides hurt? Not this chick. I'd much rather laugh until my sides hurt and THEN go tie quilts.

The trick about talking to kids about sex is to do it before they figure out that you're stupid. We gave our kids "the talk" around their eighth birthday. There's no emotion or hormones involved at that age (at least on their part).

Dude. Look at me all serious like. Is that allowed here?

Susan said...

Oh my god... we're still at using real words like vagina and penis vs. "private parts". That's as far as it goes these days. My chin would be on the floor too!

Me said...

For being such a dummy, you have a stinkin' smart kid on your hands!!

CaJoh said...

Amazing how fast they grow up. "From the mouths of babes".

I never thought that all those kisses I shared with my wife made us so alike.

OldBoatGuy said...

Gotta tell you about something I said at about age 10 at a family gathering. By family, I mean my oldest brothers future family.

Someone asked me how old I was. My reply, "Old enough to sleep alone and dumb enough to do it!"

I had no idea what I had said. You can imagine the looks, snickers, whoops, etc. Later my brother clued me in.

matesto.........manifesto of the unknown

I am LoW said...

I must second Funny Farmer for the second time. I need laughter over a quilt 3 seasons out of the 4. :)

Sandi said...

You know what I love about Crash? the way she makes a post within a post----calling everyone by name and making them feel so special. Now she needs to come and do another post, so that I can be included and feel special too. You are going to DIE when I tell you what the word verifier is right now...are you ready? SEMON!!!!!! Ain't NO way they are spying!
p.s. can't wait to pass along that kissing info to my 4 daughters, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to morph into some of those guys I've seen hanging around....

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH guys, guess what! It's raining cats and dogs here. Literally, the sky is falling! the sky is falling!

The kids were so excited because school got cancelled. But guess what my 12 year old son said. "What? No, but I need to go to school. I have 3 tests today."

Ha ha. I said YAY! School's cancelled, everyone can help me scrub bathrooms for grandma and grandpa to come.

My son said, "No, I have so much homework. I have 3 tests to study for and I need to work on my final History Day paper." Then he proceeded to proceed to the computer to proceed to type his paper."

It was 7:00 am.

But then the world woke up and we heard much screaming and squeeling of delight coming from the rooftops and my son ditched his homework and raced outside to swim and canoe and body surd in the backfield so he and the whole neighborhood can catch pneumonia together.

Hey, Lisa I had no idea you were a sex addict. Interesting. Hmmmmmmm. And what's the deal getting all serious about sex in my comment box? I might have to delete that comment. :) j/k LY

Boat guy, that sounds JUST like you! ha ha I guess you've always been a boring old boat guy.

And I'm so happy to hear SOME Mormon mommies like laughing more than quilting. See, I told you you guys aren't crazy!!

Sandi said...

oops..meant to say ain't no way they AREN'T spying!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, I didn't see you there, but I'm so happy to see you. I miss you when you don't come.

And thanks for comfirming that my verifier is a pervert. I've wondered.

Sandi said...

Oh Crash, I do feel special now, thank you. Kute Kasey just texted me lamenting that darn stormy weather- how on earth is a girl supposed to come home for Christmas break with a tan if it wont quit raining?

Barbaloot said...

This whole post was AWESOME!
I love that your daughter plays soccer. She's probly my new favorite person.
Except for you son decorated the tree BY HIMSELF! Can he come to my house next year? And I love all his sex comments!
And I love that you have twins.
Seriously-if I didn't already like you tons and tons---I would now:)

Anjeny said...

Ahem Swirl, stop trying to outdone me. Tell you what, you bring some swirly kupcake and kookies and you and I can head over to the mormonmommy blog and see about bribing more votes for Crash.
Whatya say to that Crash? I do have my bom boms here all ready to go...I WANT you to win. I totally agree with these ladies, I would rather til I pee in my pants then tie quilts...of course I'm not much of a quilter so there you have it.
And Crash, how does such a comical dummy like yourself ever produce such a serious twelve year old son? ahahah...bite me!

Anjeny said...

Yikes, I mean to say LAUGH in the above comment.

Kritta22 said...

YOU must be raising nerds! sex cells...you says that!! lol

Funny Farmer said...

Sandi! Great catch on the verifier! hahahahahahahahah!

Who you callin' a sex addict? You're the one that brought it up!

:blows raspberry:

Ew. Now my monitor has spittle on it. Nice.

in time out said...

hmmmmm...LOVE your blog. glad i read and now will be passing on the love to many various readers....already had you on the blogroll... thanks for the story. our kids could get together on some of their stuff. funny,,.,

Sandi said...

So I gotta say that I went over there and voted for you and while I was there I checked out the 2 blogs that are winning...what the #$%&? - their's are not nearly as funny as yours. So there. I think I must not be deep enough to appreciate those other blogs. Not that you aren't deep and give me lots to ponder, you do, you do! I can't wait to share your Bro. Robinson testimony during our "good news moment" this week in R.S. hahahaha!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha Sandi. That's hilarious. And thanks for the pat on the back. You're so cute. I mean Kute. No wonder your daughter is such a kute Kasey. (She really is KUTE!)

My next post will show you exactly why Kute Kasey won't be coming home with a tan. It was a Krazy day in Laie.

You're all uber supportive! I love it!

Welcome In Time Out! I'm really excited for you to spend you time out's here. I'm really good at time out.

Sandi said...

I just looked at a pic that Kasey posted on her blog and saw the flooded streets- holy cow! maybe Oahu will not be in a drought any more???

Melanie said...

Awesome! I'm voting for you!

Sue said...

Hey, missy - just wanted to make sure you know... You're in the NieNie book. I announced the winning entries today. Your post was really funny - thanks for sending it in.

Sandi said...

Missy! you are in the nienie book! woohoo...congratulations!

April said...

I must apologize right now for all of the rains in Hawaii....it's all my sister's fault! I'm not kidding!!! She has a curse. True story! She inherited it from my dad. She is over there visiting right now and that's why it's raining so badly. Some of the worst storms we've endured on Lake Powell on a houseboat are because of my sweet sister! You are welcome Crash for the extra hands for cleaning!!! But a big SORRY to Kute Kasey and Sandi.....no tan for Kute Kasey! Blame my sister!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Wait, did Sue just call me MISSY?

YaY! I made it in Nie Nie. I've been wanting to help her for so long. I've got more ideas to help! When I get really popular I'll tell you my ideas.

Thanks Sandi! And April, how funny. Why didn't you warn us. I would have bought a few umbrellas. I was prepared in every way, except I had no umbrellas so I had to borrow Martha's. And then I didn't even share it with her. You can see it in the photo. Shame on me.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey, one more comment and that will make 50. My world's record.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yay! I have a new world's record.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey, I just set another one.

JustRandi said...

Your son is a riot,
And so are you!!

I love this post!

Jami said...

No time to read the comments. My computer turns into a pumpkin in ten minutes. But if this didn't get you some more votes nothing will. Babe, you are beautiful, bucolic, and brilliant. (I just threw in the bucolic for balance.) Love ya!

P.S. I voted for you.

P.P.S. Oh no! Diumisc. My misc is going to die. It can't be true! Your word verification has just been proven a false profit.

Sarah said...

I found you from Mormon Mommy's and I think your are hilarious! I seriously laughed out loud (not just saying that!) so many time while reading this post. Off to vote now!

Abra said...

Absolutely Hilarious!

My nine year old just asked me how my body got "rid of all the extra babies." Now before you choke again, let me explain, he meant miscarriages that I've had (six to be exact) I about choked on my diet coke. So I had to explain carefully and pg 13 how that worked... yeah.
I'd much rather he explain it to me!

Funny Farmer said...

oooh Abra that's a hard one! What did he think of your answer?